Monday, March 15, 2010

Cheerleader Camp (1988)


I must say, of all the interesting VHS covers that used to line the horror section shelf in the local video store, Cheerleader Camp was probably the most memorable and the one that left the biggest impression on me while growing up. I mean, really, who could forget such an image, one which looks like a molested Family Channel cheerleader movie ad. Or better yet, the end result of an older brother getting his hands on his little sisters Bring It On poster. Wow, can you image how much fun something like that would be; sneaking into a little sister’s room and slapping a skull onto a cheerleader poster that looks down on her while she sleeps? My god, even I would spill my bowels all over the bed sheets if I woke up to something like that. On the flip side can you imagine if the poster of this movie showed a real live cheerleader with her shirt riding up like that, one which also displayed her beautiful face rather than the skull? Talk about waking up with messy bed sheets. One would go broke on laundry detergent.

The movie Cheerleader Camp is the story of a small cheerleading squad that heads to an interesting summer camp in the middle of the woods, one which only lasts about three days and seems to end with a important dance off and the crowning of a cheerleader queen -- something that is apparently quite the accomplishment in the world of cheerleading despite the lack of an audience or judges? Now, seeing as I have never been to a cheerleading camp I am just going to assume that what I saw in this movie is accurate and that most cheerleading camps don’t require the cheerleading squad to bring any adult coaches with them, nor do they seem to have much of a schedule beyond the sunbathing -- sometimes in the nude -- and the infrequent free-for-all cheerleading practices, that, ultimately, end with more swimming and sunbathing. The camp is also well stocked on beer, which is put to good use during the last day’s party, especially by the lady in charge, and employs two typical male perverts, one of whom is so gross his hands probably refuse to play with him on a regular basis. Of course this camp also is home to a killer, one who is very handy at isolating our pretty little cheerleaders -- most of whom seem to have very poor balance while in the woods despite being cheerleaders -- and cutting them free from the burdens of such a strenuous life. The question is, who amongst them can posses such a socially unacceptable pastime? Is it the nightmare suffering cheerleader, one who overworks her brain with thoughts on life and her crummy relationship, is it the always charming yet gross fat boy who likes to sneak around in old lady clothes to spy on and video tape the naked cheerleaders, is it the sheriff with the binoculars that likes a little football role-play while having sex with cheerleaders, the girl’s upward spread legs acting as goal posts, is it the bitchy cheerleader camp instructor who would rather put the dead girls in the freezer than call the police, or is it the Manson like cook who never talks and is very good at chopping up pigs? Or maybe it’s someone else, someone who seems too well rounded to be a killer? Either way, by the end of camp many of God’s fine female specimens are going to be cheering their way through the pearly gates, their long line of mini-skirts probably giving St. Peter the biggest boner of his life, that is, if their spiritual bodies retain the beauty they came into the world with and not the grotesque display left behind for the maggots to feast on.

I should let you know that while I think the cover of this movie is very cool and deserves a spot on every horror fans shelf, the movie itself leaves a lot to be desired -- unless of course you always dreamed of seeing a pair of pom poms used as a weapon. If that’s the case then savor this one because I do not believe it has been repeated anywhere else. The problem for me was that the movie seemed very slow, and by the time anything really exciting started to happen -- the slicing and dicing of fleshy victims -- I was ready to switch it off and find something else to do, my mind not really caring anymore. Also, despite what you may think given the title, cover image, and those who claim this movie was nothing more than a soft core porn flick (???), there really wasn’t all that much nudity or sex, at least not by today’s standards, and what was there seemed really dull, even a bit pointless. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a complaint because I always despise such excessive displays of the female flesh in movies like this, because it isn’t what I pay to see (I have a whole other credit card for that), but thought I would let everyone know in case one's Internet connection was down and they were looking toward this film for a quick cheerleader uniform sex fix. All in all not a movie I would recommend if it didn't have such a wonderful cover. That alone is worth the price in my book even if I never watch the movie again.

4 comments:

forestofthedead said...

Excellent review!

William Malmborg said...

Thanks. This was a fun one to write.

ZedWord said...

I'm pretty sure this VHS cover was my first introduction to the "under-boob".

And I'm thankful for that.

William Malmborg said...

Hey ZedWord - it is a wonderful shot, isn't it. Very erotic. Perfect masturbation material for the teenage horror fan.